No Snark, Just Love

Courtney Summers* frantically tweeted a link to me the other day. "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?!!!" she asked. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Maybe a Jon & Kate Plus 8 parody or an Arrested Development .gif. Certainly not an Amazon listing for a new BSC book.

Before there was the Baby-Sitters Club, there were four girls named Kristy Thomas, Mary Anne Spier, Claudia Kishi, and Stacey McGill. As they start the summer before seventh grade (also before they start the BSC), each of them is on the cusp of a big change. Kristy is still hung up on hoping that her father will return to her family. Mary Anne has to prove to her father that she's no longer a little girl who needs hundreds of rules. Claudia is navigating her first major crush on a boy. And Stacey is leaving her entire New York City life behind...

...in order to find new friends in Stoneybrook, Connecticut.

The Summer Before . . . is a sweet, moving novel about four girls on the edge of something big - not just the Club that will change their lives, but also all the joys and tribulations of being twelve and thirteen.

Okay, it's 224 pages. So we're basically looking at a Super Special. Here's hoping for alternating narrators, handwritten journal entries, and paragraph-long outfit descriptions.

Man. New Stephen King and Douglas Coupland novels (on the same day, no less) in November. A new BSC book in 2010. Everything's coming up Kim!

* (PLUG ALERT) author of Cracked Up to Be and January's Some Girls Are. You can check out the first chapter of Some Girls Are here. It's a pretty heavy book - after I read it I told Courtney it made her first book look like My Little Pony. She was delighted by this analysis, because she is slightly depraved. In a good way. Sure, she enjoys crafting sympathetic characters and then making terrible things happen to them. So what?

#85: Claudia Kishi, Live From WSTO!

By now we've all heard the news about Diablo Cody getting her schticky hands on the rights to Sweet Valley High. I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited fuckin' breath for my opinion. (You: "No, I have not." Me: "Dude, it's like a joke and stuff." You: "Less dudes, dude." Everyone's a critic!)

Here it is: I feel :( about it. Unless Cody would like to hire me as a consultant, in which case I feel $$:)$$ about it.

Cody: SVH characters do not speak in a sarcastic and superspeedy manner. They do not make grating pop culture references. They do not utilize supposedly clever phrases like "honest to blog". They do not have hamburger phones. You have been warned.

Whatever. I was underwhelmed by Juno and I have no interest in Jennifer's Body (I do have an interest in tunelessly singing the chorus of the classic Hole song whenever the film is mentioned - now you've all been warned) and I'm just thanking god she didn't buy the rights to the Babysitter's Club.

Back to the 'brook.

Four pages in, Janine is calling Claud out ("Claudia, what on earth are you wearing?") for her unique and in this case slightly deranged sense of style.

"I was wearing a backward t-shirt, overalls I'd made by sewing together two halves cut from different pairs, and mismatched socks. It was my 'deconstructionist' look. You know, like the art movement?"

This outfit makes me wanna shout WOAH THERE LADY. Picturing this getup - referred to by Janine as "Frankenstein's Jumpsuit" - is making my brain melt. I wish I knew what shoes she was wearing. Probably one black Converse hightop and one white Converse lowtop covered in, like, stickers and food coloring.

Claudia dresses down for her job at the Pikes (in "jeans and a button-down men's shirt [Sorry Mr. Kishi] over a stretch top") because "there's already enough deconstruction in that house."

I feel that. I mean, think about it: Mom & Pop Pike are the original Jon & Kate, except for all the in vitro and Ed Hardy and People magazine cover stories.

The a-plot (and it's a doozy!) kicks into full gear when Claudia wins a contest to host a radio show for a month. Her sudden interest in deejaying is the result of a) that bitch Stacey totally abandoning her* b) Claudia realizing that, like, everybody in the BSC has a love interest except for her. I mean, even Mallory is doing better than Claud is, though she did have to import an Australian** after striking out with all the American boys.

Conclusion: somebody needs a hobby. (I mean, besides eating vast amounts of candy. Although as hobbies go, that's a pretty great one.)
Hence: conveniently timed contest.

In a Wacky Plot Twist, the contest runner-up gets to co-host the show. The contest runner-up? Ashley Wyeth! Except Ashley went to rehab or something, and I'm majorly bummed. She's definitely not the girl we met in book 12, the girl dressed like a Little House on the Prarie superfan who had recently discovered the joys of LSD.

I mean, she shows up at the radio studio wearing a "plain, button-down shirt and khakis with running shoes." Where are the Doc Martens, I ask?

She makes it up for me during the first show by bringin' the sass.

"I put together this great new outfit and trimmed my hair.

I know. Double duh. It was a radio show. Nobody was going to see me. But I could not help it. Honestly. I absolutely had to do it. I don't know why.***

Anyway, I wore the coolest tuxedo I'd recently bought in a thrift shop, including a silky, piped shirt and a bright red velvet cummerbund. I removed the shoulder pads from the jacket, which made it really slouchy (I love that look). Then I bought a pair of white socks with silver glitter.

I decided to wear a pair of red sneakers to match the cummerbund. I swept my hair up and fastened it with a rhinestone barrette in the shape of a musical note."

"Ashley was already in the studio when I walked in, dressed in jeans and a workshirt. She was deep in conversation with Bob, but when she saw me, she howled with laughter.

'Are you going to, like, describe your outfit to the listeners or something?' she asked."

It's her show, Ash. And damn straight she is.

* not that we are bitter.

** Ben Hobart. And yes, technically she didn't import him. Stop remembering plotlines so well, people! I'm trying to tell jokes here!
*** I love you.

Move Over, Logan Bruno

It's been quite a month. I haven't even seen the new Gossip Girl yet. Does this mean my fascination is waning? Not sure. All I know is that I tried to amp myself up by watching some promos on youtube. The only resulting emotion? Fear. Oh -- also confusion. 'Cause I am completely flummoxed by whatever is on top of Dan Humphrey's head. Is that a wig? What the hell is going on here?

Please advise.

Anyway, it's September. Which means that the senior members of the BSC are beginning their final year at Stoneybrook Middle School. For the millionth time. I wonder what they all wore on the first day? Maybe Kristy decided to really mix it up and sported some Dockers. Fashion!

Hopefully Mary Anne is growing out that terrible haircut. You know, the one she got last year. In eighth grade.

Welcome to Stoneybrook, where time passes but nobody ages.

Until I get to a book entry (soon! or at least before it starts snowing!) check out:

Our Fave Style Bloggers Show Us Their Fall Must-Haves at Lemondrop. I didn't end up with the blazer. It probably would have looked like crap on me, anyway. But man, it looks fly as hell on the model!

I gotta say, it's pretty damn helpful to live near an Urban Outfitters. Like, they had this macrame owl wall hanging that looked totally bomb on the website. And then I saw it in the store. And I was like: "oh". (You can quote me on that!) It was large and majestic online, but small and pitiful in person. And really depressed, like a macrame owl dealing with an opiate addiction. You don't want a downer owl in your living room, bringing down the mood. Before you know it, all your other owls are sighing heavily and smoking a lot of cigarettes, and . . . wait, where was I going with that? Oh, I think I was just pointing out that sometimes things are (regretfully) not as awesome in person as they are on the internet.

Some things, however, are.

That's me. I often sit sideways in my rocking chair, looking meaningfully at my coffee table. Whatever. That's not my point. My point is: THE SHOES, DAMMIT. I mean, look at them.

Logan Bruno has nothing on my boyfriend.

I was pretty psyched when he told me he had a surprise for me. He was all "yeah, you know, it's no big deal, about on par with the pumpkin ales" and I was like well, that's pretty cool. A guy who shows up with your favorite seasonal beer (and sometimes a pint of Ben & Jerry's when you've had a bad day) is clearly a winner. So I was expecting something delicious. Instead he shows up with a huge box from Amazon.com. I'm suspicious. And then he pulls out a shoe box. Light grey and black. Frye. Since 1863.

I just about fell over. They're epic. They're this perfect, warm, burnt sienna color. The heel is intense. They're studded. They make fun clacky noises when I walk around in them. And they're huge - when I first put them on, he laughed and called me a giraffe. My feet might freeze (what with the peep toe) but I simply do not care. They are that good.

So yeah, Logan Bruno ain't shit.

And if you've got a yearning for even more hilariously awkward self-portraits, check out my interview* over at Worn Journal. Because when I'm not staring meaningfully in the direction of my couch, I'm sitting on my kitchen table between stacks of BSC books. Totally normal! Who doesn't spend their free time doing just that?

What? Normal people?

Oh.

* I think the biggest challenge (and I do mean 'of my entire life') was coming up with a list of the top 10 most stylish characters from children's literature. The second biggest challenge was not running out and buying copies of all of the books I mentioned in the list. How great were the Wayside School books? Can we internet book club those suckers? Why yes, I will be 26 this October!

Contest Wrap-Up; Claudia Kishi Demands More Feathers

Guys. You all want that famous cities skirt from Logan Likes Mary Anne! really, really badly. Note to etsy sellers: if you can reproduce this item, you should do so. And let me know about it, 'cause I've got some readers who would be all over that shit like white on rice. (Or brown on rice. Or Claudia on a Mounds bar.)

Jessica Lewis (who is "a little more classic and tame than Claud" but would consider sporting a fedora or some cowboy boots) is the lucky winner of the Chickdowntown contest. In the interest of full disclosure, there was not a sassy hat involved in the selection process. Your names went into a sassy zebra-print hobo bag. Claudia approved! Jessica, shoot me your mailing information (kimberlyhutt@gmail.com) and we'll get you decked out with that Moyna clutch. Everyone else: I wish I could provide you with the squiggle pins and handmade earrings you so desperately desire. Stay tuned; there'll be another contest coming your way soon. More information to come. For now, I'll just say that if you like really dark young adult lit., get pysched.

Because I'm still trying to be more responsible with the whole money thing (apparently you need it to get food and stuff!), I'm not doing any big change-of-season shopping trips. But lord knows I would love to be droppin' cash like I was made of it. Especially since Gap came out with this new line of jeans and the campaign is full of very convincing arguments as to why they are the greatest thing since Ring Dings.

Other things I would buy if I was the stepdaughter of Watson Brewer (he's a millionaire! They live in a mansion! Of course he would want to buy me new Fryes!): some killer boots to pair with my skinny jeans (pictured: Carmen three strap, Owen crepe tall, Deborah studded), Lucky Brand jewelry, Madewell's Slim Slouch jeans, and Urban Outfitter's beaded feather necklace, as modeled by a Wakefield twin.

Claudia Kishi Discovers Online Shopping; Singlehandedly Saves Economy.

Mom and Pop Kishi were pretty hard on our girl, huh? They should just be glad her reign of fashion-y terror didn't overlap with the era of Spending All Your Disposable Income on Online Shopping. She would've racked up massive credit card debt in no time. I mean, think about it. She'd be all hopped up on Yodels and frantically bidding on ebay auctions for fringed vests and snake bracelets. (Or snake earrings, or snake rings, or sandals that laced up her calves.*)

Chickdowntown would've seen her coming. And rolled out the virtual welcome mat.

She's fictional, though. And you are not. (At least, not as far as I know.) So they'll settle for your love by sending you this horse shoe slim clutch by Moyna Handbags. Claudia would be totally jealous, am I right? And you're going to look great. (May I suggest pairing it with some shredded denim and earrings made from paper clips and seed beads? So fetch!**)

Wanna get your hands on the clutch? Easy enough. Chickdowntown has one reserved for a lucky What Claudia Wore reader. All you have to do (besides 'live in the United States' - sorry, international ladies) is drop me a comment naming the Ann M. Martin-approved item you'd die to own. Is it Dawn's I'm Awesome necklace? Stacey's beret, adorned with a sparkly dinosaur pin? One of the 5 million jumpsuits these crazy chicks are always sporting? The iconic telephone cord bracelet? Claudia's bungee cord belt? (If so, why? It's a bungee cord, dude.)

The contest will close on September 3rd. I'll use a Ouija board to pick the winner. (Just kidding, I will probably put your names in a sassy hat or something.) In the meantime, follow Chickdowntown on twitter, become a fan on facebook, and check out J.A.K.'s western plaid shirts. Mostly because the yellow/orange one is callin' my name and I just want someone to tell me it'd look great with my Fryes.

I'm gonna go call Claudia, maybe she can find it for me in her dad's closet. Forgive us, Pop Kishi.

* the laces would be two tiny snakes. With beads for eyes. God, I need those sandals immediately.

** If Regina George is Cokie Mason, then Gretchen Weiners is Grace Blume. Think about it.

#37: Dawn and the Older Boy

Oh, Dawn. I'm choosing to ignore your teased bangs and will instead focus on your dinner companion. Travis. Travis the Older Boy from California. Travis the Older Boy from California with Suspiciously Pristine Sneakers.

You look smitten, and I'm concerned.

Not so much about the age thing. I mean, I get it lady. Maturity, experience, etc. But this guy looks exactly like my mental picture of Randall Flagg and that CANNOT be a good thing. He's probably two seconds away from eating your face. For god's sakes, woman! Run!

Guys, I know you feel me on this. Just look at him. That is clearly the face of a killer. Dude, he probably has the skin of a killer* as well.

Anyway. Let's get started with some makeovers.

"I glanced around Kristy Thomas's bedroom and saw that all six of my friends were experimenting with lipstick and nail polish. A few of them, like Stacey McGill, were even trying out new hairstyles. It was a sort of mass 'make-over,' and there was a lot of giggling going on. (And some of the 'befores' looked better than the 'after', if you know what I mean.)"

I do know what you mean, but I'm supposed to be the quippy one here. Back off, Schafer.

"Claudia is a beautiful, dramatic-looking Japanese-American who loves exotic clothes. (She's also the vice-president of the BSC.) Claudia's one of those people who can wear anything and get away with it. Today, for example, she had stuck to two colors: black and white. Black cotton bib overalls over a white turtleneck with a shiny black patent leather belt looped around her waist. Black suede ankle boots and white cotton socks. [Wow, yikes. I'm down with mixing up the casual and the formal, but I can't stand behind this. I'm not sure I can ever stand behind visible white cotton socks. Okay, maybe if they're flop socks and I've layered three different pairs so that my ankles look like ice cream cones.] Long black hair swept off her face with giant white plastic barrettes. Anyone else would look like a penguin in that get-up, but Claudia looked great. [Like a beautiful, dramatic-looking, Japanese-American penguin.]

'What do you think,' she asked, holding up a white hoop earring next to her face. 'Too much?'

I nodded. 'Maybe just a little.' The earring was the size of a doorknob."

It's nice of you to get the little people involved, Claud. But you and I both know that the concept of 'too much' doesn't exist in your world. Ignore California Casual over there. She wears clogs.

What? You own clogs? Oh. Well, I'm sure you look GREAT in them. Don't mind me.

Makeover madness continues: "'Stacey had scrunched her own hair into a cloud of blonde curls and was trying for the same effect with my stepsister.

Mary Anne shot me a desperate look [pull it together, Spier] in the mirror, just as Stacey gave a final pat to her hair and said pointedly, 'Doesn't she look great?'

I was on the spot. 'I think it's a nice change,' I began. 'Of course, you wouldn't have to wear it that way every day.'

'She should. It's a big improvement.' Stacey said flatly."

Holy shit, man. It's about to be a (what) GIRLFIGHT**.

The next morning, Dawn meets the Older Boy (henceforth referred to as OB), a friend of Charlie's. The scene is moderately amusing - the babysitters go downstairs, are struck dumb by the presence of cute high school guys, and flock back upstairs to primp.

"Upstairs, I took a quick shower and spent the next hour fiddling with my hair and makeup. I decided that I wanted to look casual (but gorgeous!) and finally settled on a pale blue ten-button top [I'm getting 'henley' from this description] with my favorite jeans."

For whatever reason, said cute high school guys are still chilling in the Brewer's kitchen an hour later. Travis lures Dawn in with ocean talk and mentions of Malibu and his affinity for granola. He even drops some fashion advice, letting her know she should always wear blue. Because it brings out the color of her eyes. Just like the ocean.

I think he should always wear brown. Because he is full of it.

They go on a couple of nebulous date-things (gotta love the nebulous date-thing, staring across the table all "hmm. This feels date-y. I'm totally catching vibes here.") after school involving grilled cheese sandwiches and girly accessory shopping. No joke.

Oh, and he gives her a blue beaded necklace and hair combs. "'When I saw this,'" he smarms, "'it just made me think of you. That's all. It's the same shade as your eyes.'"

You know, I might have found that kinda cute, but he follows it up by being a total douche and not appreciating Schafer for the unique little snowflake that we all know she is. God, what a jerk. It's my job to tell these girls they look like crap.

Check out this gem:

"'Usually, I just brush my hair and wear it straight. It's so long.'

'Oh yeah. That's another thing I wanted to mention.' Travis picked up a strand of hair and looked at critically. 'When's the last time you got your hair cut?'

'Cut? I never get it cut. Well, sometimes I have the ends trimmed a little.'

Travis gave me a very serious look. 'I think you should lose a few inches, maybe three or four. It will give your hair more lift, you know?'" [Seriously, I would smack a guy for telling me I needed to cut my hair.]

"'Maybe,' I said doubtfully. I like my hair the way it is - very long and fine. Whenever I try a new style, I usually hate it and go right back to wearing it straight."

Feel ya, girl. I experimented with bangs a couple years ago and couldn't hack it after a few short months. Now where was I? Oh yeah, somewhere around "this guy spends a creepy amount of time looking at/thinking about jewelry":

"'I saw some pierced earrings in here that would look great on you,' he said. He led me to a display counter and spun an earring tree with his thumb. 'Good! They're still here.' He lifted a pair of delicate silver earrings off the tree and held them out to me. 'Do you like them?'

They were perfect. Tiny butterflies in flight. 'I love them,' I said softly.

[I suspect Merry-Go-Round is the Stoneybrook version of a Claire's Accessories. Have some class, Older Boy.]

Travis held them up to my ear and smiled. 'I knew they'd be right for you.'

'I'll wear them under the stars,' I promised him. (I should explain that I wear two earrings in each ear.)

'No,' Travis said flatly. 'You should wear them up higher. Just get another hole punched in your ear.'"

Hey. Sociopath. Calm the hell down. And then he has the audacity to bring Cali back into the equation, claiming that "all the girls" have 3 holes in each ear. Look, I know I talk a lot of shit about Schafer, but I am very wounded by all this making over of a fictional teenager who is perfectly fine just as she is***.

After Dawn hears that Travis has been hanging out with a girl his age (Kristy's big mouth strikes again), she makes the totally rational decision to stalk him. Yeah, I smell a healthy relationship in the works here. Would more Twilight jokes be appropriate at this time****?

Travis is wearing "faded jeans and a white t-shirt" when Dawn spots him. "But he wasn't alone. He turned around and linked arms with a great-looking girl. Her long red hair tumbled down her back, and she had high cheekbones, just like a model. She was dressed in a white cotton flight suit [I was all 'this must be some high-fashion terminology I've never heard of', but then I google image searched 'flight suit' and the results were precisely what I'd imagined], exactly the kind of trendy outfit that Claudia or Stacey would wear. I hated her on sight, and then I stopped and reminded myself that it wasn't her fault she was gorgeous."

The outfit, on the other hand, is entirely her fault.

So Dawn spies on Travis and Sara (or Flight Suit Girl, as I prefer to think of her) a second time. Travis takes Sara to Merry-Go-Round, and Dawn decides it's time to confront him. She starts by being all 'so, looks like this is one of your favorite spots.' The dig doesn't have the impact she'd hoped for, and Flight Suit Girl interrupts by showing Travis some "heavy gold hoop earrings.

'What do you think, Travis?' she asked, ignoring me. 'Are these too big?'

I couldn't resist. 'Yes, definitely too big. They look like they should be holding up a shower curtain.'

[What does Dawn have against big jewelry? Hrmph.]

Sara frowned and gave Travis a 'who-is-this-person?' look, and he introduced us.

'Dawn is from California, too,' he added.

'Really?' Sara gave me a cool smile. 'Oh, now I remember,' she said, as if a light bulb had switched on inside her head. 'Dawn Schafer . . . the little girl you told me about.'

Little girl? I was steaming. What nerve. I needed a really stinging comeback, but my mind was a blank. And the next words out of Sara's mouth were even worse. 'I'm sure you've turned her into a real beauty, Travis,' she murmured."

Dude, what kind of fucked-up dynamics are going on here?! I'm so disturbed. Poor Dawn pulls it together, but kinda embarrasses herself further with her retort, snapping that she was "'already a beauty'."

In the end, Sensitive Mary Anne reminds Dawn about the plot of My Fair Lady and Dawn realizes she's Eliza Doolittle. And then she starts talking to animals and Mary Anne has to inform her that Eliza Doolittle and Dr. Dolittle are two entirely different characters and then she wonders if maybe Dawn has gotten into Sharon's stash. (I mean, why do you think she could never find anything? And stored her keys in the vegetable drawer and shit? Think about it.)

Nah, that didn't happen. It would've been more interesting, though. Dawn calls Travis on his shit and he doesn't get it but she feels vindicated in the end and then starts an epistolary romance with Logan's cousin Lewis ('cause those Kentucky boys like to keep it in the family). And by book 50 she's totally forgotten all these valuable lessons about loving you for you (or whatever). I think we all remember that particular clusterfuck.

* you: "did she just drop a Twilight reference? oh my GOD, she did. I am NEVER reading this blog AGAIN."
** I know.
*** Assuming she lets me burn her entire wardrobe and start from scratch.
**** Twilight jokes are both never AND always appropriate.

A Moment with Kim: Freaked Out Mexicans, College Clichés, Closets

You guys are hilarious (and that assessment is based on your comments alone -- I can't even imagine what it'd be like to get drunk together and perform dramatic reenactments of Important Fights in BSC History). Let's be friends forever, like the BSC spinoff series featuring ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHS on the book covers (I hope the orginal series' illustrator was fired for being so annoyingly inconsistent). I was done with Stoneybrook by the time the whole Friends Forever series started, but I do remember gaping at the books all 'what the hell is going on here, Martin?'* They did a decent job casting Claudia, I guess. I mean, check it out! She's on a disaster date! Been there, lady.

Anyway, commenter Stace raised an important point. Stick this in your peace pipe and smoke it:

Why did [Dawn] always have to be cool anyway? Like if a guy in a sombrero came running into a BSC meeting shooting at them, everyone would go into hysterics but Dawn, who would just sit there munching celery saying "A freaked out Mexican? Who hasn't seen one?"

I would've read that Super Special HARD.

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For someone who is so deeply entrenched in Hipster Studies (read: sometimes I go to Urban Outfitters and tally up all the Minnetonka-wearing customers), you'd think I'd be an avid McSweeney's reader. But I am merely a casual McSweeney's reader, so let's thank Scarlett for tweeting me the link to the greatest McSweeney's list of all time: Titles From The Baby-Sitters Club: The College Years Series.

They're great**. And I feel like that list could go on forever. My suggestions:

• Mary Anne and the Missed Period
• Abby and the Sex Ed Improv Group
• Stacey McGill, Sororstitute
• Dawn Hits the Bong
• Kristy and the Group Project From Hell
• Claudia's Shoplifting Secret

Again: I would read those books hard. Shit, I would write those books hard. Scholastic! Call me! I like to drop f-bombs and use the word awesome to describe just about everything!

In other words, I am supremely qualified.

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Sometimes people think its a good idea to let me talk about my clothes on the internet. Lemondrop.com's Closet Fever series features fashion bloggers talking about their favorite items of clothing. And I am one of those bloggers! Neat!

Things to note: Frye Carmen side zip boots I spent way too much on, Paris Hilton pose, vague semblance of a smile (I tried, really I did), shelving unit stocked with skinny jeans, Laine-approved amounts of black and grey closet items, tacky ring (as seen on greasy mobster stereotypes).

Check out the rest of the feature here. Julie: thanks for giving me another opportunity to wax poetic about Frye shoes.

In the interest of full shopping habit disclosure: I bought shoes recently. I know, I've been making all these claims about how I'm not shopping anymore because I need to look into this whole 'future' thing. But it's totally fine because these puppies are extremely practical. Okay, whatever, they're not.

* Once I was waiting at Goodwill for my boyfriend to finish his shift and I ended up reading Claudia Gets Her Guy to pass the time. I don't remember much about the story, but I do remember being pleasantly surprised by the lack of annoying child-centric subplots.

** Although the image of Claudia in those wretched VS PINK sweatpants that college chicks seem to love makes me die a little inside.